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Tips for Family & Friends
The way we speak to our loved ones – we can either be support or contribute to the condition. Here are some example of helpful and unhelpfull sentences.
Keep in your mind that sufferers of ED are not doing anything to you, but suffering tremendously themselves inside. Your questions cannot be selfishly motivated or hurtful. Here are some examples - please do share....
Avoid:
Why are you doing this to me?
Look what you are doing to yourself?
Look what at what you are doing to your mother, father, boyfriend, friends, children…?
Why are you making everybody miserable?
Would you just eat!
I don’t understand WHY you just don’t eat…?
You have so many good things in life, why are you doing this?
You better stay out of that f*** bathroom!
You are so selfish; the only things you care are how you look.
Instead:
Would you like some dinner with me?
Talk to me, I will be here for you.
I know you did not brought this on yourself.
I know you didn’t mean that, it was your head talking.
I know your head is giving you a very hard time.
We conquer it you are not on your own.
What’s happening to your family is not your responsibility.
It is o.k. to feel down, nobody can be happy all the time.
You won’t always feel this way.
Nothing you do or say ever makes me love you less.
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Comments
Live YOUR life!!
Please get on with living your own life, do not put it on "hold" until your son/daughter recovers. Guilt is one sure way to slow down the recovery process, and putting conditions on your own life based on their illness is one sure way to inflict in on them. I found it so so helpful when my parents started treating Life as Life and chatted to me as someone living a normal life, (regardless of ED). Yes its difficult to see passed the pain and destruction of someone you love, but believe and trust that they will get there, and with that knowledge-- get on with living your life and loving your life. Remeber children learn by example......teach them to LOVE LIFE and recognise all it has to offer.
Remember that to belong is
Remember that to belong is sufferer’s underlying goal
There is always a solution…:):):)
Zoo Visit
Visit a ZOO
http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/articles/2010/may/29/zoo-therapy
There is always a solution…:):):)
More Tips from a recovered one...
It helps to keep diary and to write some things down – what about Hope Diary? We can write so much about negative things – lets start to write about Hope.
With two different colour markers, highlight hopeful vs. hopeless.
See if you can see any patterns.
There is always a solution…:):):)
keep asking to do things even
keep asking to do things even if we say no asking makes us feel like we matter unfortunatley the ed answers for us but if yu keep asking then when we are are stronger we can say yes. its a lot easier to go if you ask again rather than us to feel like we missed the oppurtunity.
I find distraction good -
I find distraction good - playing games, reading jokes or doing the crossword in the newspaper with my dad everyday is great. Sometimes there's way 2 much focus on my ED and trying to 'solve' my problem. That's what my therapists/careworkers/nutritionist are ther for. Mam and dad, you are just that: my mam and my dad. You cannot take this from me but those few moments doing the crossword with me or playing cards with me are often the only break I get from the condition :-)
Thank you both.
Your child will do as you do,
Your child will do as you do, not as you say. So set a good example
There is always a solution…:):):)
Keep your promises and be honest with me
What really helped me when my family members started to be honest with me and did keep their promises.
There is always a solution…:):):)
Understanding
My parents have not been involved in my recovery or supportive or interested in it. This used to upset me no end. Unless you have fully recovered from an ed or a trained practicioner then expecting understanding or know how from someone other is much like asking dumbo the elephant to walk the tight rope. Louise Hay says we must really try and understand our parents if we are to forgive them. Forgive them? Understand them? Huh. She says they were doing the best they could with what they knew. Sometimes I think we imagine our parents to be expert in every field, even highly complex ones, run on ever ready batteries and have the wisdom of a sage any less and they are selfish inept individuals who definitely don't love us. We all make mistakes and will always and some people have huge awareness and others have none. Life. Fact of. I drove past my secondary school with my dad yesterday and he asked me as he has many times did you enjoy that experience Joyce, oh I loved it dad, every day, every bloody day. You know Joyce you're so lucky he said I hated every single day of my schooling life, I woke up every morning with a stomach full of dread. 5 years of that does not self esteem create. I could barely imagine him feeling like that, a young teenage boy having no reason to feel so inadequate and yet he did, and he got through it and consoled himself. I think I saw my father for the human being he is yesterday for the first time ever. I saw and understood a lot more in that moment than I ever did before. joyce
Labels...
PLEASE don't use labels such as "anorexic" or "bulimic" when referring to your loved one. Avoid "your anorexia/bulimia..." etc. Best to use the term "your condition" or better still, "the bully in your head". Some sufferers may like their label though, which is even more reason not to use it!!! In recovery I needed to gain a sense of myself and who I am. The only worth I had was my ED so when somebody referred to me as "anorexic" or "depressive", this just reinforced this belief.
Recovered.
P.s. To all those carers who take the time to read and contribute to this website, give yourselves a HUGE pat on the back. It will mean SO much to your loved one, and if they don't appreciate it now (they might even resent it right now!), I think they will appreciate it later on when they are free.
Learning to stop
Learning to stop reacting…
If you would like to help to someone to recover, it is very important to change your reactions.
VisualiseSTOP sign, take and 3 deep breath, look at your choices and then decide what way to react…practice makes perfect…
There is always a solution…:):):)
How would you treat your
How would you treat your loved one if they did not suffer from ED?
Treat them like recovered and it will help them to be recovered…
There is always a solution…:):):)
With family and friends
I think parents reading the Hope book is a huge help too. My dad has gone from not really discussing ED with me to being a full-blown Marie fan.
"Dad I'm going to the group tonight..."
Dad: "Is Marie Campion going to be there?!!"
I think that reading Marie's story helped my parents realise the huge depth of the PAIN and suffering we go through with the ED.
Tips for families are all well and good and do have their place, but I am a firm believer that we must look inside ourselves before waiting for others to treat us well. This quote in particular helps me not be bogged down with others' negativity; http://eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/articles/2010/february/16/amazing-abeish-advice-about-wanting-be-liked and also Heather's recent article is a FANTASTIC capture of how to keep your energy up around family http://eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/articles/2010/may/12/personal-learning.
If people are annoying you, write a "Book of Positive Aspects" about them (Abraham Hicks idea). We can spend too much time going on about their negative aspects and guess what, we keep on evoking their negative aspects again and again and again. Seriously try it, even if it's just "X has nice hair" "X wears nice clothes"... you'll feel yourself feeling better and better about a situation.
With Love,
Princess C
Make a list of situation when
Make a list of situation when you really enjoyed your loved ones company – go over these situations, focus on the details, and enjoy the memories…
This exercise will give you inspiration to come up with more ideas how to enjoy your loved ones…
There is always a solution…:):):)
Today learn to say
Today learn to say “NO”
When you loved one suffer from ED, often is very difficult to say No, we agree for the sake of peace , but this is not always helpful. Person with ED needs to learn to say No to self-destruction, but they need to hear the NO first…
There is always a solution…:):):)
Be your child’s biggest
Be your child’s biggest fan
Tell you child, ‘My life is so much better because you are here.’
Teach them that what others say about them is just their opinion, not the truth
There is always a solution…:):):)
DEVELOP PATIENCE WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS
When am I the most impatient with myself?
What people that I look up to or admire respond differently that I do?
What frightens me about being patient?
How is my behaviour related to my lack of patience?
Imagine you have a lot of patience with yourself and your loved one. What are you doing that you could apply to real life? What do you have to do to make this happen?
There is always a solution…:):):)
Self-care = Self-parenting=Helping someone to be good example...
Make a self care plan for yourself. It is important you achieve balance in your life…
What things you would like to do?
Make a list of things you can do on a daily basis that help you to feel energized and nurtured…
There is always a solution…:):):)
How can you stimulate your
How can you stimulate your mind with other interests than your loved one’s ED?
Make a list of new interest to help you…
There is always a solution…:):):)
Family movie
What about making family movie together – you can go through all your photos, pick up a special moment – it can be fun making it and it can be fun watching it,
It does not need to win an Oscar to be fun…
Here are the instructions – it is easy – lets start
http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/articles/2010/march/05/oscars-lets-make-our-own
There is always a solution…:):):)
Challenging communication
When our loved one suffers from ED it is easy to react and to get caught into negative ways of dealing with it. Such a negative attention can make the communication worse.
Today take a moment to understand the eating distress from the sufferers point of view and ask yourself – “How can I help him or her by reacting differently…”
Take a moment to understand your own feelings. How come you are reacting this way?
What way do you want to respond....?
Do not see the ED as never ending process, but as opportunity for learning to communicate differently…
There is always a solution…:):):)
Thank you ...
Hola Marie ,
Thank you for sharing all these wonderful tips , and they are wonderful , because I know that for my loved ones , who I was very fortunate to have , step by step , on my journey , they have often share that knowing that they had support and help , really helped them ..... .................
And what really helped ME , on my journey , was KNOWING that they LOVED ME FOR THE PERSON I WAS ...........
In times , when my patience was challenging , seeing their patience and belief in ME , ignited my strength and determination .........
I learned so much from my LOVED ONES , on my journey , by doing the simpliest of things , watching them laugh , and enjoy life , watching them LIVING , and being FREE , again was inspirational and encouraging to me on my journey ........
And I think most of all , BEING LISTENED to , not only on the good days , but the challenging days , and it wasnt so much what they said that I remember , IT was the ENCOURAGING SMILE , IT WAS THE WARM EMBRACE OF LOVE , IT WAS THE CLASP OF LOVING HAND , AND IT WAS KNOWING THAT I WAS LOVED , that IGNITED MY LOVE FOR MYSELF ...... AND SOMTIMES IT WAS THROUGH A BEAUTIFUL SMILE , THAT I FELT THIS LOVE ..........
Muchas gracias , for sharing ........
Yvonne
This film can be very helpful...
“Blind Side” – wonderful film for all family – true story, very inspirational, to see it together and talk about it can help parents, and suffers – highly recommended…
Bring a tissues and pen and note book for all the wonderful quotations…
I hope you will enjoy it…
M.
There is always a solution…:):):)
Do something together....:):):)
To be able to help your loved one to recover is very important to find out to do things together – maybe going to the cinema or to watch DVD.
Make a list of activities you can share with your loved loves...
Marie
There is always a solution…:):):)
More Tips...HOW TO HAVE HOPE
How often do you ask – How can I help to my daughter/son/friend….?
Here is the answer – never give up Hope that they will be one day free…
Some suggestions:
Imagine feeling hopeful instead of hopeless. How does this feel in a scale of 1 to 10?
There is always a solution…:):):)
Let Go
From recovered people we learn the most what is working and what we need to change – ask your loved one to read this poems with you and ask them their opinion.
Let Go
Know me now just as I am, not as I was before
Remember all the times that passed, thank god they are no more
Don’t try to forget, or even forgive...but let go of how things were
For I was tainted by a demon, engrained within me it would not stir.
Time has passed, and I’ve moved on.....please try to grow with me
For though I was the sufferer, we all need to be free
Poem by Hazel
There is always a solution…:):):)
thankssssssss
Thank you for posting this poem its really great.
Relationships change...
Oh wow...
This is beautiful, and very powerful indeed... I will print this out for my loved one to read...with me... what a beutiful talent you have, Hazel...
I know that the recovered me still feels quite wobbly in her shoes at times, because I know my self-esteem and confidence have changed, in a beautiful and good way, and this can be a challenge for the person that has been my nearst and dearest, not giving up on me during the condition and all those times standing up for me when I was fearful and rather hiding away...
It is a completely new learning, for both of us... it means, in fact, that our relationship is only just really starting now... and we'll both grow into this completely new togethernes, finally just the two of us, not with our third member, the condition - actually, she was fired, sacked
Love,
xxx Robin xxx
~~ "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over...it became a butterfly..." ~~
tips for family and friends
ED can make home and family life very very stressful. I found it was helpful to me and my relationship with my parents to do things together outside of home. Going for a walk, or town with my mom ()even though clothes shops quite chalenging - she loves them ..) or a movie or coffee with them. i remember once going to a dance show with them - and they really were not so interested in it at all - but their reactions were so funny - I got as much amusement out of their "disinterest" as I did out of my interest in the dance .........
These times we would not talk about ED and i really treid to "act" recovered, as in not take behaviours with me. Now recovered, i really appreciate that we did these things together even though at the time it was not easy because these are the times I remember ....