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privacy dilemma

I'm not sure if others experience this issue, but after months of wanting family to get more on board with what I'm trying to do re recovery, its a case of be careful what you wish for! Now my Iceberg territory has been invaded. Family are reading the posts, which is all well and good except when I need to share stuff and will worry that family will figure out which posts could be mine!
I'm not sure whats bugging me about the whole thing, I feel a bit trapped and cornered and that this was my place, this was my support, this is where I could talk about my stuff and feel understood and supported. I think I'm angry that it took so long for them to do what was suggested to them and that now they're all goody two shoes and logging on, for however long that will last!
I'm also intensely protective of the site and the ethos etc and am afraid that they might make judgements about what its all about, pride I guess. And maybe I'm so used to being such a closed book that I'm in a panic!
Maybe its that I've no excuse now to complain that they're not doing their part and have to focus back on myself and what I am and am not doing to progress with recovery. Either way it doesn't feel nice. Help!!
PS new sign off required!
Jen

Comments

Hi Jen, As someone who is

Submitted on May 19th, 2010

Hi Jen,

As someone who is recovered I see both sides of this.  Firstly, when I used to keep a diary when I was younger my mum used to read it, and ask me about things written in it, which for me at the time, I felt were not for her to know, as they were my private thoughts.  Also, when something is written online, it is not private, which is why I always sign off with just my initial, rather than my full name.  Personally, I feel it is up each of us individually to be mindful of our own privacy, especially online.

O

Parents on Iceberg

Submitted on May 19th, 2010

Hi Jen,

I wrote to Marie a few months ago when I was feeling in bad form when I was a bit shocked that my mum had written a comment on one of my articles.  Gosh it was lovely that she wrote and was very excited and supportive in my recovery, but I too felt like it was a bit of an invasion of my place to discuss my recovery with people who really understand.

Now I think alot differently.  Now I realise that the condition is a family condition, not just ourselves in a a vacuum.  I'm also all for respect for our parents and not blaming them for anything.  

I do believe that people are our mirrors.  This does not mean that if someone is angry at us, that we are angry people.  I mean that something in our subsconscious is evoking their angriness into our experience.  When I am feeling very good and peaceful, it's like the whole family changes around me and are more pleasant, or else an angry person would move to another room and later apologise for having a bad day etc.  Likewise if I'm feeling stressed deep down and mightn't even realise it, my parents could make me feel stressed if they're feeling stressed!  

That's why although parent tips are probably helpful, I do believe that "dealing" with parents comes from dealing with ourselves first and taking responsibility for our own happiness...

I've gone off the subject a bit, but over all, I think it's great that your parents read Iceberg- that is just fantastic that they are interested in your recovery.  I hope that more parents will post on this site!

Lots of love,

Princess C

http://eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/articles/2010/april/26/tips-family-friends#comment-2493

2nd part...

Submitted on April 30th, 2010

Let’s make Iceberg website where we all share how can we help one another – in this world we need to live all together – the more we learn about one another and differently we communicate, and work on our tolerance and communication – the better world we will have...

Let’s learn from our differences and to respect them...we need our families to understand us and our families need us to learn to understand them...

We need to learn that there is nothing to be ashamed that we work on our recovery – actually I think people need to be proud of themselves, recovery is hard mental work – so let’s be proud that you are doing it...

Let’s use Iceberg to help to our families to understand this very complicated condition....I am not saying that is easy, but it is possible....

Give yourself a lot of credit for sharing this subject – you probably spoke for many others – but maybe we can all more share how to help to our families to understand us better – it will definitely helps to us all!!!!

Many regards

Marie

There is always a solution…:):):)

Dear Jen, Thank you for

Submitted on April 30th, 2010

Dear Jen,

Thank you for your very honest post.

Speaking as a recovered person I do understand how you feel, but family members are often the forgotten victims of ED. I think so so wonderful that they wanted to be involved, and that is the part we need to focus on...

I get always so excited when family members are willing to learn, because there are still so many who do not want to. What a better place to learn than on Iceberg. I myself would encourage  every family member to go on Iceberg and read and learn.

I used to always complain that people do not understand – but I forgot to ask the question – where should they learn???

In recovery we learn to understand to other people – often it is our condition, or our inability to receive love that is against it....

I my case, I wanted so much that my husband help me – but help me  - my way – today I would call it the condition’s way...every time he tried something – it was either not good enough, or fast enough or not helpful at all – I forgot to see and acknowledged that he actually TRIED....

I think if we learn to work with families and ask ourselves more often:

“How can my family help and How can I help to my family?” – Then we can learn from one another and it will help our recovery...The most we learn about ourselves is from other people....let’s give them chance...

Let’s not to presume or to jump to the conclusions that families are going to use our sharing in negative way – let’s take the responsibility of teaching them, Iceberg is a self-help website – we are sharing what we did to help ourselves – why not to help our families to understand as well – our recovery will definitely benefit from it...

continue....

There is always a solution…:):):)

HOLA JEN .....

Submitted on April 29th, 2010

Hola Jen , Thank you for sharing a heart warming and honest post . First of all Jen , I really want to say how fantastic it is that your family has taken a very big step and positive one for "their journey" - their journey of of learning how they can show support and be there for YOU on your precious journey ......because they LOVE YOU jen , and through their confusion and non-understanding , which is completely understandable , they have taken a step forward , in finding ways that THEY CAN SUPPORT YOU ..... When reading through your post Jen , I gently smiled , because you my beautiful have found the answers to what started off as a dilema , but what you finished as a beautiful post of realizations !! well done you jen . You released your ANGER , and that is so good , you said why you felt angry , "it took them along time to do what was suggested to them " but the important thing to focus on Jen is the NOW , the anger belongs to the past , and from my own personal experience jen , holding on to anger did not help me , it kept me stuck in the past , but releasing my anger , and letting go ...... my anger was replaced with forgivness , but I had to "let go of the anger " first ...... for forgivness to replace it ,and when I did , it was ME that benefited , MY MIND was at peace , and I felt contentment ........ "IM SO INTENSLEY PROTECTIVE OF THIS SITE ....jen this site is full of beautiful and positive learnings of what has worked and is working for everyone on their unique journey of discovery and recovery ..if your family choose to make judgment , well hey that OK , because the important thing is that YOU know , that it a place that you can come and feel understood and supported , YOUR journey of discovery recovery is about YOU , and this is important to focus on WHAT IS WORKING FOR YOU . If you feel a little uncomfortable at the moment , with signing your name , then you have a choice , just like you give yourself , a new sign off as you suggested , but CONTINUE to do what IS working for YOU , continue to read and write your beautiful posts !, continue to share whats helping and working for you ...... FOCUS ON YOU AND YOUR RECOVERY .... I hope the above helps a little Jen , no need to panic !! panic is feeling , and a feeling can be changed , BY CHANGING YOUR THOUGHTS .... so focus on the POSITIVITY AND SUPPORT ,that YOU get from this site , and give yourself a big hug of credit for how well you are doing and WILL continue to do so KEEP BELIEVING IN THE BEAUTIFUL YOU AND YOUR RECOVERY XXX Yo amigo Yvonne