Personal Learning

I am from the country, and with living in Dublin, working full time and life I dont get to go home very often.  For me, going home was challening, it was a place anchored with old memories, negative thinking and I suppose in ways that added pressure to be "the perfect daughter".  As much as I loved to go home, it was also a huge challenge, for many reasons, I felt judged by having ED, I felt labelled, misunderstood, and a huge disappointment to my family and of course I wont forget that added little detail of guilt...  Anyway, I wont go into my family but I wanted to share with you my past weekend, because this was a time when I really saw the learning, when I really sat back and saw exactly how far I had come.  I saw how confident I had become in myself, how I wasnt dragged down by certain people anymore and I felt alot more at peace with myself.  And I was in situations over the weekend that in the past would have cause havoc for weeks but now no longer the case. 

Saturday, was my nieces communion, a huge family event with lots of people, lots of people I knew and didnt know, lots of cameras, lots of style, and lots of food..  I was so excited about the day, about getting dressed up, about seeing my beautiful niece, about celebrating with family and friends.  What I thought about was how I would get home, what time I would get my hair done, what shoes I would wear, not about people looking at me, feeling "fat" sitting down all day, and eating a 3 course meal infront of others...  This day was special because not only did it mark my nieces day but in some ways for me it was my own internal celebration.  It was a beautiful day, I drove my fantastic cool car and we went to the most beautiful hotel overlooking the sea.  I felt I was back there in Lanzarote.  I focused on the beautiful table, all decorated with balloons and silver ware, the creativity of the menu and how wonderful it must be to come up with such unique concepts.  The food was so beautifully displayed that it was the craftsmanship I was in awe over.  I remember sitting there with a smile on my face and thinking, my God Heather, this would have been the most frightening, anxious day in the past and here I sit in awe that I am at peace, that I can sit here and enjoy this and be there in the present for my nieces day.  I didnt feel bad trying new things because I trusted my body and I knew I was safe with myself and I wasnt a"bad" person.  I also for some reason couldnt stop thinking of Marie talking about the "kidney department" a pun for using the toilet, and that image was just so funny...

I sat with people I did know and didnt know.  I didnt feel awkward or out of place and I sat back looked around at everyone, all my family, some friends and I thought, gee Heather they let go ages ago, so can you.  I used to think that ED would keep me held forever, like even if I recovered my family would still see me as "that daughter".  But I realized that even if they do think like that, I dont.  No one judges me only myself and I had a few conversations over the weekend about things and I realized that people have forgotten or maybe its because I am at peace now and moved on and I suppose living proof it doesnt matter.  No one treats me different, no one keeps me held down, it would be I would do that.  My family like others I am sure, dont understand the full concept of ED, they try in there own way but they cant and never will and thats fine with me.  They dont try to understand anymore, sometimes I mother "thinks" she knows but shes doesnt, that doesnt bother me now because I have learnt to accept me and not to take on board as much what she thinks is right. 

I was just so blown away by the ease at how my thinking was, how nice that felt.  I felt such appreciation for life, for me.  I was challenged over the weekend by people and I realized how far my thinking had come, yes things do bother me, yes I can deal with them..  I realized that I am human, I feel happy sometimes, other times I feel sad, I feel angry, sometimes there is a reason, sometimes not thats fine.  I dont need to be afraid to not be so perfect all the time. 

Everyone over the weekend on numerous occasions remarked on me, just how great I looked, how confident I was etc etc, not like oh my god you never were and are now but in a nice, admireable way.  I remember what Hazel said about when people give you a compliment if you dont accept then you are calling them a liar, and I figured I wouldnt call someone a liar so I would accept.  When people remarked on my looks, I took it in a way that I had really come on, in terms of my hair is so healthy now, my skin glows, my eyes light up and I do look good now.  People arent talking about weight, ok some people will they will remark, thats them, thats what they think are values but I realized that holding on the that value just got me in more pain and I looked aroudn and really focued on others, like do I like or dislike someone because of there size, NO.. I thought to myself, when I think of a family member, a friend, someone in group, do I think about them as there size and I thought NO.  Looking back at Lanzarote I remembered everyone, each really individual and I dont remember people for there size but for there character traits, there like/dislikes, style etc etc....    I really realized that I dont judge people and if I do, its not because of what they physically look like, because that doesnt matter, that doesnt change who they are,   I look at expression, the light in peoples face, the energy that seeps from them, style, confidence, values, meanings, not  physical appearance so to say but  inner appearnace which radiates.

Also,  a grandaunt of my niece (not on my family side, so I didnt know her) asked who I was at the weekend, I overheard the conversation between them, which I will share in wiwhich went something like this... my niece say something which I later went and wrote down and will always cherish, and that is...

G.Aunt:  Who's that girl with the beautiful eyes K?

Niece:   Thats my auntie Heather...  She's my auntie, she's my godmother..

G. Aunt:  Gee, you look very like her, I can see the resemblence..

I saw my nieces face beam with such a smile and instead of rejecting the compliment she proudly smiled and said

Niece:  Thanks, my aunties cool...

I know this is a rather simple conversation but I will forever treasure that look my niece had of acceptance of who I was, of admiration of me and of acceptance of herself.  How confident she was in accepting that yes I was a role model and she was proud of it too. 

My niece who is now 8 has always been and still remains to this day my role model.  She was everything I wanted to be.  She is my role model...

Thanks for listening

Namaste

Heather